Seriously.
Sorry to go there so soon, but hey, the last time I went off on a game I (surprisingly) got a bunch of responses, and I guess I’m looking for someone… anyone… to please explain to me what makes this game so fucking amazing. Because, apparently, its supposedly the greatest game of this generation, a milestone of interactive entertainment. And I just ain’t seeing it.
BUT! I’ll get to that in a bit (actually, after 30,000 words of other stuff, as usual). Plus, as I type this (around 9:45 last night), I’m actually in a terrific mood (whereas, playing GTA4 will put me in a foul mood, which often lasts up till an hour after setting down the controller) because Katie just started playing Super Mario RPG, which I just nabbed for the Virtual Console, and the music from that game also puts me in an ultra chipper mood!
Though with this latest purchase, I’m officially out of space on my Wii, which is less than thrilling, but I’ll get to that a bit later on… First things first:
Corrections & Clarifications From Last Time
- I incorrectly reported that the Belgian brew that Hilary gave to me was Duvel. It was actually Chimay. Sorry, but I think these little things are extremely important.
- Mooney last week mentioned that his pal, Reggadones, found my report of Rumbo in Dumbo XI and really dug it, but also passed along some clarification regarding his injury: “The reason behind Reggadones’ injury was so people would love him even more when he made his come back. And they do.”
I also neglected to mention that the best match of the night featured Jorge Santi and… some other guy. Sorry for not taking notes. Perhaps Mooney remembers.
- I’ve somewhat hit the wall when it comes to Wii Fit. And Jason has come to the rescue; he knows a person who is friendly with a personal trainer, so I’m going to have him come over and see what I’m doing right and wrong. From there he’ll provide not only feedback on how I can improve but perhaps everyone else out there? Since I can’t be the only person who is struggling to make heads or tails of some of the activities. So I guess Wii Fit: The Missing Manual is coming real soon!
The Beat Goes On
Anyway, once again, nothing terribly exciting to report from the past week or so (the good stuff, as usual, must not be divulged due to NDAs and the such I’m afraid). There was yet ANOTHER Rock Band shindig, this time a party at a swanky bar downtown that I brought Dave Mauro and a few others to, my band you could say. Had some drinks, saw some familiar faces, plus became acquainted with some new ones (sup Jim from Kotaku and Sean from the Star Ledger), and of course, played Rock Band 2 more than a few times. I sang our first song, Today by the Smashing Pumpkins (I kinda wanted to do a reprise of Sabotage, but I felt it best to stick to new songs), and stuck to bass for the rest of the night. Though whatever reason I was unable to deploy star power with the guitar I had, a problem everyone else seemed to have (Sean had trouble, as did N’Gai from Newsweek, who thought it was just him), despite Jeff the producer of the game’s assurances that everything was fine, but otherwise fun was had by all…
… Though I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one annoyed by the gaggle of ditzy broads from some fashion blog, a bunch of Sex In The City devotees for sure. One of them ended up yelling at me for handing the bass over to some dude who was most certainly next in line, “Hey! I’ve been waiting for two hours!” Which was bullshit since it was about a little over an hour into the festivities by that point. When they finally hit the stage, they naturally didn’t bother to play the game, and instead just hammed it up for their fucking cameraman (sorry to sound like such a gamer geek, but come on). But I digress.
The Time To Be Vampires Is NOW
This past weekend saw Horror Night 3 come earlier than planned; initially I proposed a mid September date, but when it became clear that my schedule would not allow it, nor Joe Simko’s or Jay’s, it was decided to do something quick and dirty and as soon as possible. Sadly, none of the Beer Drinking Fools could attend, but our women folks (Katie and June) filled their shoes, plus it allowed us to do a little bit of Rock Band before the festivities formally went under way.
So what was shown? I tried to not just deliver on quality but quantity, with about six flicks in the wings, though only three (and a quarter) was eventually tolerated. First up was Nothing To Fear from Sprout, the fine studio that brought us Karate Ruler. The basic concept of the film (the full title btw is Nothing To Fear: Behind the Scenes) is that its a retarded version of the Blair Witch Project.
The plot goes something like this: a bunch of Sprout folks are sent to the woods to film a scary movie. The setting is a manor whose proprietor ends up with the lead role of the evil vampire; the dudes is supposed to be creepy and scary, but simply ends up being hilarious instead, with his bad acting and all. Anyhow, as the days pass, each actor as they film their scene, becomes an actual slave, cuz the dude really IS a vampire! Despite the fact that he doesn’t seem phased by sunlight and the such. Sorry to give away the plot, but it kinda takes a backseat to the awesome cast; Nothing To Fear tries hard to play with the fourth wall, by acknowledging that everyone has been in previous Sprout movies, even dropping references here and there. You have the “accomplished” actor who is pretty bad in the fake movie, but does a killer job yelling at the director (who is a “normal” person, and is a perfect caricature of the just out of film school douchebag)…
Then there’s the retard that doesn’t look or sound quite retarded, the old lady retard with the squeaky voice, the sassy black lady retard, and the quite but deadly looking one who doesn’t so much look like a vampire when he “turns” but a gay, leather dude. There’s also an interpretive dancing sequence that needs to be seen to be believed. Oh, and then there’s this girl, who is clearly not retarded and very much cute as fuck, enough that everyone who sees this movie has to ask what she’s about and wants only to see more of (myself included)…
… Speaking of, while making those screen-caps, I began to wonder if I should just do the whole movie, a la my GSW pieces, so if anyone’s interested, let me know!
And that was just the first movie! Second up was a real gem from the early 80s, as suggested by Katie: Chopping Mall! Long story short: a mall that employs three super high tech robots to act as late night security guards is the scene of mayhem when a lighting storm causes the hunks of metal to short circuit and go on a killing spree. The main victims are six sex craved teens that decide to have an orgy at the mattress store, and when one of the dudes runs out to get some post coital smokes and gets snuffed in the process…. which immediately results in the dead dude’s girlfriend’s head exploding due to an expertly aimed laser shot… that’s when the fun really begins! Given the era of time in which it came from, Chopping Mall not surprisingly had it all: a killer electronic soundtrack, a nice big mall with carpeted floors, bare tits (or “80′s tits as Jay correctly described them as), and a bunch of folks that are staples of the 80s cheesy horror movies, who naturally die gruesome deaths. Also, and once again not to give anything away but, the ones that survive are naturally the virginal dorks, and not their sinning, bodily fluid swapping buds.
The third movie is where I began to loose the audience: Killer Nerd, an early 90s horror flick, and shot on video no less! Starring Toby Radloff, aka the ultra dorky dork pal of Harvey Pekar (as seen wit the real Harvey in the American Splendor movie), Toby plays a nerd that gets pushed around by his coworkers, his mom, and punks on the street. He tries his best to fit it, going so far as to purchase instructional audio tapes from the TV, and goes to a party where he hooks up with two chicks that appear to appreciate him for trying to do his own thing (despite himself), but they end up being the girlfriends of the aforementioned punks. After getting his ass-kicked, Toby can take no more and thus becomes a killer. Anyhow, I became aware of the movie via clips on K Thor’s Evil DVD series (I believe volume 2) and figured it would be a perfect Horror Night choice. Though in the end, it was just another flick that was too bad to be any good, plus a hard lesson learned about the need to screen all candidates before unleashing them to your friends. “So, when the hell is he gonna start killing?” was uttered more than once by the gang, including myself; it took forever for the action to get started, and all the fumbling around up till the gore put June and Katie to sleep, while annoying the rest of us. Didn’t even bother with Bride of Killer Nerd, which was included on the same disc (which I would watch yesterday, and it really is just as bad, if not worse).
Thanks to Killer Nerd, The Untold Story didn’t get much of a response. Though not helping is how it was the fourth movie of the night, plus subtitled, so everyone began to shuffle out about fifteen minutes in. Which is a real shame, since the movie… which is from Hong Kong and stars Anthony Wong as a psychotic dumpling house chef that kills people and grinds them into the next day’s special…. is pretty God damn great. Maybe next time… that and Junk, this Japanese zombie flick that I also had on tap.
REVIEW: Grand Theft Auto 4
Otherwise, Labor Day weekend consisted of the usual: strolling around and people watching at Central Park, as well as fucking around the gift store (with Katie knocking some stuffed animals over, by accident of course, required a hurried exit), hanging with peeps (got drunk and ate copious amounts of Japanese bar food with Moony, but this time, it wasn’t Kenka but some other joint down the street), and some fine dining (finally got to try Pop Burger, and it was most excellent, save for the large degree of dip-shit tourists that gum up the joint, as well as many other parts of Manhattan). And of course, played lots of games, mostly the just released Castle Crashers, along with various other titles that I’ve no doubt already mentioned (all of which will definitely be getting reviews, since I’ve promised them for assorted PR folks, to justify the free loot). Plus Grand Theft Auto 4, a game which I want to like, and actually did in the beginning. But now, I simply can’t. Because it’s so clear that the whole thing is just fucking nonsense.
GTA4 absolutely cements Rockstar’s ability to bamboozle everyone with smoke and mirrors, especially when it comes to the gaming press; my mind is simply blown by all the 10s and A+s the game was able to garner up its release. Either everyone was playing a completely different game, or my copy is just broken, or Rockstar simply paid everyone off. The biggest problem, which I can’t believe everyone is so seemingly willing to blindly accept, is the ATROCIOUS controls. As noted last time, its fucking pathetic that, for a game that emphasizes vehicles so much, that behind the wheels controls is so God damn abysmal. Absolutely everything controls like crap, making vehicle based missions an total chore. Though controls in general is a gigantic headache; things simply don’t do what they’re supposed to for whatever reason. Like when trying to hail a cab while on a date, but you end up hijacking the vehicle, which all of a sudden puts you in the middle of some police trouble. Or like when you’re supposed to throw a brick through some glass store front, and it’ll only through the door… if chucked at the side windows, it’ll just bounce off, lol. Better yet, there was once mission in which I was supposed to choose the fate of some dude hanging on the ledge, so when I opted to step on his toes and to kill the guy, we immediately see a close up of the ground and sound of a body hitting it, but no visuals. Back to where your character is, and the supposed to be killed dude is now just floating there right in front of you. So yeah, the game is just filled with stupid flaws in logic and bugs in general.
Despite all this, I’ve kept going. Why? Well, aside from the fact that Katie likes to watch (though the one time she did try to play it, Katie too got super pissed off, enough to never want to touch the controller ever again), especially after she discovered that there’s a Karl Lagerfeld radio station, I just want to get to fucking Manhattan. But instead, I’m seemingly forever stuck in Brooklyn and Queens, going through on boring and frustrating mission after another and another and another. The overall structure of the game is also totally asinine; my biggest beef with GTA since day one is how its allowed the bullshit idea of having a player walk around in a game’s world and forcing him or her to entertain one’s self and possibly become lost and confused and bored in the process (invariably), to not just become acceptable but actually popular. But GTA4 basically dangles carrots in front of you face the entire time while spitting in it. I was immediately annoyed how, when I found myself bored in the first ten minutes of playing how I couldn’t so all the time killing bullshit of the past, such as become a cabbie like in GTA3 without first having to unlock it, but making Manhattan off limits for so long is simply intolerable. I had to once again look online, and just found out that I need to complete another 50 or so stupid missions to finally gain access.
And it wouldn’t be such a problem if the missions weren’t such pains in the asses. Aside from the laughable controls (sorry, but I must once again mention that referring to the options menu is zero help since the diagram that shows what the controller does changes every three seconds, so basically 33 different Xbox 360 buttons, each used four different ways, equals to complete BULLSHIT) the other real problems is how boring they are, filled with some of the most unlikeable characters ever encountered in a video game world. Do this job for this guy, till he ends up dead, then work for another asshole till he croaks. Rinse and repeat. Wow, gripping stuff. All everyone does is yell at other. plus everyone’s just some stupid racial caricature (not that I’m upset by such things, but it’s all just so fucking lazy). Perhaps it was Rockstar’s intention to have everyone so unlikeable or annoying, though that’s giving them too much credit. They genuinely thought they were creating something groundbreaking. Yet it’s all just low-rent, wannabe Sopranos bullshit, when all is said and done. Again, the best fun that can be had is simply driving around, listening to the fantastic radio stations, and watching television… basically, avoiding people in general. General mayhem, like getting into random fights would be tons more fun if, once again, controls weren’t so ridiculous and combat wasn’t so borked.
I apologize for repeating myself so much, but GTA4 has gotten under my skin in a way that no other game in recent memory has. Last night I decided to throw in the towel and utilize a cheat code (since I knew I would never, ever finish the game and could care less about not getting all the achievements) to get the cops off one’s back, which is what happens if you try to access Manhattan before it wants you to. But after driving around for ten minutes, I couldn’t find the entrance to the bridge, which cause me to almost stomp my 360 to pieces, so instead I wrote the statement that kicks this post off with. To sum it up, dear Rockstar: fuck you, and I want my money back.
Odds & Ends
- Even though Labor Day has passed us by, Meat Bun’s holiday sale is still going on! So now everyone can get the ultra groovy Super Neo Mega Turbo shirt at a dirt deep discount! Which reminds me: gotta get me that Auto Hunter shirt while the going is still good.
- Speaking of shirts, my buddy Brian from Oddica, who has talked about getting things back on track, is doing just that, with word of new shirts coming down the pipeline along with a fresh start. And to kick things off, all the existing stuff is also on sale!
- Hey, remember ICON? How I basically said “okay, that’s it for me”? Well, I’ve been speaking with the new person in charge of electronic gaming over at ICON for the past week or so, and… with the changing of the guard, along with a bunch of other different things down the road, comes renewed interest in participating. So I guess I might be back next year, when all is said and done? Provided if I can fit it in my hectic schedule…
- Though one can definitely count on me at the New York Comic Con 09! I’ve been speaking with the organizers about returning to the stage, after my last impromptu appearance last time was such a success. The details have not been settled upon, but I’ll basically be on-hand to talk about the wild world of video games, naturally, both the serious and not so serious bits… And who knows? Perhaps it might make the return of my popular top ten and worst ten games of all time? Revised, of course.
- Speaking of comics, as always, I’m constantly looking to fill-out my portfolio and find another steady paycheck. I recently wrote a brief guide for those who used to be into comics but have been away for a while and are looking to get back into the thick of things for Giant Realm, with the hopes of it becoming some regular thing. No idea what the final word is…
- And regarding my own comics, I’m happy to say that I’m looking at least one new installment of UNLUCKY, but possibly two at SPX, about a month from now! I know that Hilary, Allan, Travis, and Dave Savage are all busting their asses to get stuff done in time, and I can’t wait to see the fruits of their labor, since I know its gonna be fucking hawt.
- I’m also hoping to give the podcast yet another go. Been kinda lazy about that, I know. Was actually gonna bug Mike about doing another recording session this upcoming weekend, but I then found out he’ll be out of town for some wedding, in Washington State. Plus he’s sick (as is everyone at the moment it seems… so is Katie, and now me), hence why we had to cancel our boxing appointment (I guess I’m back in okay shape to resume training, plus he needs another person to help hone his hand-to-hand skills while does ground-fighting training with his buddy Fitz). Remember Mike, when you’re in Seattle, eat a Dick.
… Okay, I guess I should wrap it up here. Was gonna going into random video game links territory, but since this post is already at capacity… look for it in a little bit (since I really need to play catch-up).
