01/30/2008

The Legend Of The Gary Gilmore Gun

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

Holy shit, has it seriously been two weeks since my last update? Christ, everything is such a blur these days, mostly because the Game Developer’s Conference is rapidly approaching and before that I’ll be in Washington to visit the parental units (maximum lulz), so that means I’ll be out of commission for over two weeks, and with stuff like ICON to tend to, I’ve been more or less in a whirlwind of crap to do.

Guess I’ll start with this past weekend since that’s still fresh in my mind (the previous weekend was spent… I dunno, I think I just holed in my apartment, playing Neo Geo Battle Coliseum for the most part):

- Katie rolled into town last Thursday night, and the evening was spent dining on Thai via delivery and a tape of vintage cable access circa 1999/2000, with the highlight being an episode of Mad Dog, a call in show starring a skinny dog who called himself Mad Dog, and his rather gross Italian lady-friend. It was truly Manhattan cable access at its apex, during the last great golden era (before the internet became the new, final frontier). While they played Donkey Kong on a 2600 and ate pizza on the air, various folks called in, including a guy from Philly that just wanted to say ?What?s up yo. What?s up.?, some dude that wanted to see “a little bit of that bush” (referring to the aforementioned gross lady friend), and Mad Dog?s nemesis Mad Cat. I am well aware that NOTHING of what I just wrote makes any sense, nor does it probably sounds at all interesting to the uninitiated, but trust me when I say that it was AWESOME. Later was the opening to Subway Girl and Concrete TV, again circa the late 90s, and you could tell it was an older edition because it featured more C+C Music Factory that it does today, though it still had plenty of clips from that gay porn and Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen home video that they like to feature. And yes, I will try to upload all this good stuff on YouTube, eventually.

- Friday night, we had dinner with Joe and June at Mexican joint in Times Square. The highlight of the evening would have been the gross guy in the booth right next to us who was more or less date raping his date the entire time while we looked on in horror, if not for the big announcement: MAGMA FEST LIVES ON! I MIGHT BE GOING BACK TO JAPAN!!! Maybe. The details seem really hazy right now, but basically, the trainwreck of a punk fest managed to procure some funding (I?m guessing the aftermath looked good on television). More as it develops!

- Saturday afternoon Katie convinced me to check out Dim Sum Go Go, one of those Asian-fusion-type places that I fucking loathe, because for the most part, its for scared shitless white people who can?t stead the heat of real-deal ethnic food, but I will admit, once in a while comes one that is actually pretty decent, and Dim Sum Go Go fits on that very short list. I?m guessing because it?s the French cuisine part, and as we all know, French cuisine is pretty adaptable to most any other, especially Asian, or at least anyone that watched Iron Chef would know. Anyway, here?s a pic of their Go Go Burgers, which is basically beef (not hamburger patties, more like mini-steak flanks) wrapped in steamed buns with a side of some mysterious vegetable that is supposed to be French fries, but it most certainly was not a potato.

- Hilary then joined us, and after a quick trip to the underground mall in Chinatown, on Elizabeth Street, so I could pick up Marble Mania/Kororinpa, we made our way to St. Mark?s, to my favorite watering hole, Grassroots. Thank fucking God that young guy from NYE was not tending the bar, who as you might recall, drove my party out due to the constant playing of Live. Anyhow, it was my chance to sit down with the two lovely ladies that will be illustrating my clone and mucas filled sexual fantasy, and to answer any questions. Though for the most part, it was just Katie and Hilary drawing very cute girls, and then saying out loud “YOU?RE GONNA GET RAPED!!!”

Everyone also drew each other, of course. Here’s Katie’s rendition of her man, as well as Hilary, which both Katie and I agree is tough to draw without her glasses (she was wearing contacts that night):

And here is Katie’s depiction of herself. So sad-o’s, yet so cute!

Hopefully Hilary will scan her ultra cute drawing of Katie, and myself, which had the word LECH written in bold, and with an arrow pointing straight towards me. Hey, what can I say? I like ‘em young.

Anyway, didn?t stay long because those two had their own plans, plus I had my own, at Gleason?s Gym, in the heart of DUMBO, for…

- The World of Unpredictable Wrestling had another Rumbo in Dumbo this past Saturday night, and again, it was amazing. It was three hours plus of the finest amateur wrestling that you can get for just $15, and all the stars from last time were in action. Well, with the exception of El Shoes (the pimp) and Brooklyn Jeff (who I?m almost certain is a real-deal cop), even though the latter was in attendance, but just looking on (I kept hoping he would jump into the ring at any minute, but alas, heartbreak… and I?m pretty sure I?m the guy?s biggest fan, aside from all the little kids in Bay Ridge whom he tries to set a good example for).

The crowd was totally hot, and pretty big, much bigger than before, which was already at capacity. Like all awesome things to do in Brooklyn, hipsters have apparently caught wind of the event, and quite a few were visible early on (including a few cute hipster girls, which are the only good things to come of any invasion), but most did not stick around long. Pussies. And this time around, I avoided the first row, next to the fat and annoying diehard Italian guy who has so many skin tags on his eyelid that I?m amazed he can see anything, the small, docile Jewish gentleman, and the really into the action Hispanic girl with the lazy eye. Instead, I was in the third row, right in front of the best heckler of the night, and right next to a dude that wasn?t as funny, but at least he tried his best..

There were so many matches, and so much good stuff, its impossible to convey all the goodness, but highlights include (note, for the following section, some knowledge of professional wrestling terminology might help)…

… The first match was between two random white dudes, that was solid, if a bit unspectacular, until the very last second, when one guy unleashed one of the craziest, most dangerous finishing moves ever, which was a Pedigree (a double underhook facebuster) turned into a backwards piledriver, right on the guy?s head. Yikes.

… Second match involved the 8th Street Assassin, who again is one of those out of shape looking dudes that can really move well, all things considered. Still didn?t stop the dude from behind me from going “Hey it?s Patrick! From Spongebob!” Like everything else from the show, I guess you had to be there.

… The third match ended with a real legit injury. Some guy landed wrong, and you could tell that they had to chance the ending of the match all of a sudden. Turns out the dude had dislocated his shoulder, which totally sucks, but it could have been worse. At the time, it did look worse. Quite a scary scene.

… Mooney showed up in time for the fourth match, which featured our fave wrestler, the Musketeer! The dude is quite simply MONEY. And we were quite clearly his only fans, because Mooney and I were the only ones cheering for the guy, whereas everyone booed like crazy (well, he is a heel), and the guy next to us kept yelling “TWO GAY!”, which is a rip on his “Touch?!” that he yells at his opponents (how disrespectful). t a certain point, one guy next to us asked if we were friends with the Musketeer, which would at least make the most sense as to why were so vocal with our support, but Mooney simply answered that we just love the guy.

Sadly, his gay escort was missing (he looked pretty terrified last time, so I guess its no surprise), so in his place was a young dude, also in musketeer garb, though junior grade, hence his title of Squire I guess. The Musketeer was interviewed before the match, which allowed for his angle to be explained; since loosing the belt last year, he?s been on a no-win streak, which he attributes to as a conspiracy from the guy who runs the show, aka ex-wrestler Johnny Rodz, so to make the swashbuckler happy, he brought in a special guest referee. Well, the Musketeer still lost, and he lost it, with the scene culminating with next month?s challenge: Johnny Roz (who is old but still looks like an ass kicker, like all those old-timey wrasslers) plus the guest ref (who is also another tough-guy) vs the Musketeer and A MYSTERY PARTNER~! And then it ended with Johnny giving the Musketeer a touche, which made him totally flip out: “THAT?S MY LINE! YOU CAN?T USE THAT ONE ME!!!”

… Mooney?s favorite tag team saw some action, which are two dudes in biker garb that he prefers to call “The Racists!” even though one of them looks Hispanic. They teamed up with another dude that I like, called The Voice, whose entire gimmick is that he had a scary voice.

… The OMG wrestler of the night had to be the debuting Uptown Bad Boy. Jesus, where to begin: just imagine part Belushi as his samurai character from SNL, part… baby, a big baby, as a wrestler. He came to the ring with a very effeminate looking poncho that had the Japanese rising sun on it, which got a “I don?t find that offensive” reaction from Mooney (the guy?s part Japanese). The strangest thing was how he didn?t have a funny voice or anything; the guy just looks like that normally? Plus he had a nasty scar on is chest, ill-placed tattoos, and was also a not so great wrestler.

… Another fave of Mooney’s and mine, Steven Person, aka Spider Ham, pulled the second craziest finisher of the night, which is basically the Walls of Jericho (an elevated Boston crab), but from behind. Looked really awesome.

… The final match was for the east coast championship, but instead of just a regular match, it was a belt on a pole match, which is a staple of wresting for decades now. This is where the new champion is not the one who can score a pin-fall first, but who can get to the belt that is suspended above the ring, high above, first. The thing is, the roof at Gleason’s Gym is extremely low. In fact, anyone who wants to do high-flying moves from the top rope is forced to jump from the middle rope, otherwise they’ll literally hit their heads on the ceiling.

Also, fighting for the belt was Reggadones, a school chum of Mooney’s. In fact, many of his classmates were in attendance, and despite being the bad guy, he had a very vocal cheering section. It was hilarious watching him beat up his opponent, then climb the ropes VERY slowly, and not nab the belt, despite the fact it was right in front of him, to draw out time so the other guy could make a comeback (truth is, anyone who simply held up their hand while just standing on the mat could have taken the strap). But after some ridiculous degrees of back and forth, Reggadones got the belt and won! Outstanding.

Afterwards, Mooney and I went to Kenka’s for another late Saturday night session of kimchee and Sapporo.

- Otherwise, nothing too exciting to report. Like I said, I’ve been busying with GDC-related business to a large degree; I finally submitted my final scores for the Independent Games Festival’s inaugural mobile competition this past Friday. As for what else I’ve been playing, I believe I’ve already mentioned Kororinpa… also been giving the Wii version of Resident Evil a go, and I haven’t had any problems my second time around, unlike with Twilight Princess.

Oh, and I just got No More Heroes today. Despite my hate for Killer 7 (still fucking sucks in my book, period), I wanted to give it a shot when I first caught glimpses of it, and was relieved to hear from Heather, who was reviewing the game for PLAY that it wasn’t half bad (hey, anything less than wretched is better than Killer 7, and most importantly, it sounded as if it actually had gameplay). Anyway, haven’t played too much of it, but gotta say, I too love the look and especially the low-fi, pixely presentation (hey, I would expect no-less from Suda 51), but I will admit to having problems already, and I haven’t even gone through the tutorial. Actually, I can’t; I believe I’m at the last task, to wipe out all the bad guys with my super move, but I only got half of them, and the rest seem indestructible no matter what I do. Is this just another case of me sucking?

Also got Contra 4 for the DS and that’s been thoroughly kicking my ass. The music in particular has been pretty fantastic, but that’s hardly a surprise given that Virt’s behind them! Been messing around with my PSP as well; some might recall the troubles I’ve been having, and after an unsuccessful attempt at downgrading my firmware, I have at least discovered a solution to some of my problems: my memory card was the reason why certain games were running slow or herky-jerky, the PSP ISOs to be exact. So I got a SanDisk card to replace my Sony one (“it’s a Sony!” alright) and have been smooth sailing for the most part ever since. Though I still can’t run homebrew apps like emulators, but for whatever reason, Cave Story still works (thankfully).

Plus, I finally got a copy of Demolition Girl (the UK version of that Simple 2000 attack of the 50 foot woman game) for the PS2, and some wacky Japanese cooking game for the PSone, neither of which I’ve had much of a chance to sink my teeth into. Oh well. And I should probably give The Red Star a whirl, because its been weeks since borrowing a copy from Jeremiah, and I don’t want to be that guy.

- Like I said, nothing too exciting to report from these past two weeks. Well, except for one thing… something actually quite wild to be honest. It went down not this past Sunday, but the one before it, and it’s so crazy that I almost thought about not saying anything, because A) I was genuinely creeped out by it, and B) was almost certain no one would believe me. But as its been pointed out numerous times, 90% of the shit that happens to be sounds totally far-fetched, yet it’s not, cuz that’s the luck I have, so I figured, why the hell not! But before I got back to this past late Monday night, I should perhaps go back about five years ago… Back in 2003, I was working at Medieval Times, the box office in Times Square. I believe I?ve already recounted several stories in this very blog about the crazy, just got rich from the lottery millionaires, the ultra hot yet oh so annoying ren fair chicks, my sexually frustrated co-workers, folks from SNL, douchebag tourists, and a number of the other bizarre personalities I had to deal with. But I?ve never talked about “Charlie.” Charlie came in one late weekday evening, around this time of the year actually, which meant it was super dead (a month prior it was mad busy, it being December and the busy holiday shopping season). In retrospect, Charlie was a weird looking fellow, but given that where I worked, weirdoes was a super common appearance (I ain’t gonna go into details as to what made him so strange, due to fears of getting gutted). The guy just walked around, checking everything out, but to the degree that it was clear that he was not a serious shopper (otherwise I would have cared and tried to help him out), so I went back to either cleaning a sword, or working on a Nick Mag piece, which I often did during dead periods. Finally, right before I was gonna kick him out to close shop early, so I could go home and catch something on TV, he finally spoke: he explained to me that he was a collector of weapons and was impressed by the collection that was on-hand, which I could not have given two shits about, since I heard it so many times a day (I mean, who the hell else goes into a sword shop in this day and age?), nor did I really pay much notice when he began to go into his most prized possession, that was until he mentioned that he had it on him. He then began to ask me if I knew who Gary Gilmore was. And I did.

Now, for those unfamiliar with the man, I guess that’s what Wikipedia is for, but basically, Gilmore is famous for killing two people in Utah in the late 70s and then demanding to be executed, which he was (Gilmore was actually the first person to be executed after the death penalty was reinstated after a brief suspension). The guy looked forward to death, almost relished the idea of retribution that he felt it would bring, and in the process, as well as after his demise, became a cult icon of sorts, inspiring all sorts of songwriters (its rumored that Johnny Cash spoke to him on the eve of his death), authors, even artists such as Matthew Barney, who portrays him in one of his Cremaster films. That was how I knew about Gilmore at the time. Anyhow, Charlie explained to me that he had Gary Gilmore’s gun, the tool which he used to murder two people, and which he claims has become a reverend object, a source of mysticism. He claimed that it was enchanted, for a lack of a better term. How Gilmore was caught was this: his gun accidently went off after the murder, shooting himself in the hand, which left a trail of blood, allowing the authorities to track him down. Charlie claimed that he believed, as did others, that the gun had a mind of its own basically, that it wanted Gilmore to be caught, as well as to also absorb his power, which I guess was somehow transfused when his blood got on it. Yes, this all sounds very Lord of the Rings-ish, which had just come out at the time, btw. Anyhow, Charlie claimed to have the gun; when asked how the hell he got it, and why is it not in the hands of the authorities, it was explained that it was replaced with a fake, and since then its had gone through the hands of various collectors over the years, including himself.

Sounds like a total bullshit story, I know. Yet… I was compelled. And after he told his tale, Charlie came to his point: he wanted to part ways with the gun, because it has “served it has purpose” and offered me the chance to purchase it from him. And before I could say anything, he pulled it out his pocket. For some reason, I didn’t freak out… I would imagine, if someone who passed by saw this go down, they would have though I was being robbed. And next thing I know, he offered me to hold it. And I did. In retrospect, a very bad move. But I was simply mesmerized by it all. Finally, Charlie stated his price, for a very low figure of $1,000. I asked if it was such a hot commodity, why so low an asking price, but he stated once more, and with a smile this time, that he it has served its purpose. But did I have the money to invest in such a thing? Technically yes… I did hold the combination to the safe; it was the end of the day, and many tickets to the theater show in Jersey had been sold that day, so I had more than enough to cover it (as well as a real desire to fuck over my boss, whom I passionately hated at the time). But, I wasn’t insane, and as cool as it would have been to own a mystical murder weapon, I had to decline. Charlie insisted that it was the deal of the century, and I re-iterated my answer, but he kept going on and on, to the point that I began to loose my patience and in the end, asked the guy to get out of the store so I could close shop. And that was that. Or so I thought.

Back to last Sunday night, I got a call late in the evening. I didn’t recognize the number, it said restricted on my cell phone’s display, but I assumed it was someone regarding ICON related business, and come on, it was too late for that stuff, so I let it go to voice mail. I checked it the next morning, and it was him… Charlie. He asked if I remembered him, and his offer, which still stands. Charlie then left a phone number to call him back. It was by far one of the creepiest fucking things ever. How in the hell did he get my number?! Well, more than likely, one of my co-workers at the store probably gave it to him, they also did stupid shit like that, giving out personal info to complete strangers. But still… to call back, six years later? To see if I was still interested in buying a murder weapon with mythical powers? And of course… and I think you all know what I’m gonna say next… I accidentally erased the voicemail. I know.

But yeah, Charlie?s message really creeped me out, so much so that I thought about changing my voicemail. And as silly as it sounds, the reason behind my reluctance towards sharing the story was the possibility that it might somehow aggravate an already bizarre scenario. On a side note, apparently it is common knowledge that the gun was purchased by a collector who recently tried to put it up for auction, and is indeed a holy grail of sorts, as far as politically tinged weapons goes. So I?m guessing that it?s actually a fake or something? But anyway…

- Speaking of mysteries, another one has recently popped up, but it?s no where near as exciting or crazy as the previous one: I recently got a letter from the state of New Jersey stating that they have in possession “property” that belongs to me, from back when I lived in Jersey City. Odd. My biggest fear is that it?s a baby that my crazy ex decided to dump on the grounds of where she knew I lived. And in that case, like Dave Roman suggested, I wonder if it?s half-black?

- Well on that note! I was going wrap things up like in the past by passing along highlights from the forums over the past couple of weeks, but I?ve decided to listen to the haters and cut an admittedly already too long of an update right here, right now. Guess I?ll do that later today or tonight. Though one final thing: so last week I was hanging out with a friend, watching La Blue Girl (I will withhold the identity of said friend, even though I?m pretty sure she would not give a fuck, but the last time I revealed a female cartoonist?s connection to hentai I got flack for it, but that particular person hails from Brooklyn and its become a well-known fact that a large degree of the female cartooning populous from that borough hates my guts, at least the indie/hipster variety… though seriously, that girl got upset over the stupidest thing, as if her parents would ever come across this stupid site, and still harbors a grudge that exists to this day, many years later, but anyway?) and noticed something quite peculiar! There was a scene in which the titular character and the horny midget ninja “thing” that serves as her foil were playing video games, and we actually got to see what they’re playing… Gradius!

Which led to me posting about it on Insert Credit, and it actually grew into a fairly extensive discussion regarding shumps and anime, in particular Gradius! Note to self: despite what Nullsleep and Hilary says, much check out Sky Girls

  • Slonie

    Sky Girls encapsulates everything wrong with anime today.

  • https://www.fort90.com Matt

    But… but… but… cute (underage) girls, that pilot space craft and mecha! What’s so wrong about that?! It’s to Japan what hot dogs and apple pie is to us!

Previous post:

Next post: